The Beauty of Your Story

I find absolute calm when I step on the beach and walk to the water's edge.  I did just that late yesterday afternoon and marveled at nature's transformation.  No longer were the waves filled with laughing children, boogie boards or beach towels colorfully scattered on the sand.  The air was crisp, the marine drape masked the sun and a few random folks were enjoying an autumn stroll. 

I gingerly picked up this pristine shell, no holes or wrinkles, smooth and unbroken.  Laying right next to it, I scooped up this fossil like rock, textured and weathered.  I carried one in each hand and pondered what story each could share? What had each experienced during their seasons at sea?  

With its eroded tunnels and sea life imprints, the rock gave me pause for imagining all sorts of grand tales.  Was it a fragment from a dwelling in the lost city of Atlantis? Or perhaps had spent thousands of years sharing salty terrain with a family of sea turtles off the North Shore of Oahu? 

The shell seemed to not have been penetrated by time, risky geography or nautical battlefields. Bits had not been severed and its simple beauty reminded me of a charmed, maybe even protected life. 

Aren't we much like these treasures from the sea?  So often we put the effort into the appearance of the shell; perfect, in tact, unaffected by the rough seas of our lives.  When in fact, we are the rock.  We have holes in our hearts, we have imprints on our souls.  Yet, what if beauty was measured in the intricacy and strength of the rock? What if self worth, your value, came from not perfecting your shell but instead, treasuring your true self, your story with all of its erosions and blemishes?   

Be the RAVE...

What exactly does being brave mean?  As you know, I LOVE to play with words, and the word RAVE exists within the word "brave."  Well, that got me thinking.  We need to rave about when we are brave.  Doing what we think we cannot do and then DOING it, well that is something to holler from the rooftops and proclaim to the world, "I am BRAVE!" 

Exploring being brave means we face what we fear.  I romantically imagine my Irish ancestors as being fearless.  Living through the 16th and 17th centuries, the famine and battles for power and land.  In Irish Gaelic speak, what do you think "nios fearr" means?  Like myself, you probably went to "no fear."  The Irish are wise, "nios fearr" doesn't mean "no fear" it is translated as "better off."  I bet it came from the old Celtic warriors, who took a final swig of their ale and said “Me lads and lassies, we’re better off dead than sitting here like scared ducks.”  And away they went to conquer more hillsides and moors. 

The core of most therapeutic work comes down to facing our feelings of being less than capable of doing something.  In other words, being able to be brave enough to take a leap into what we assume we cannot do.  Many women admit they fear being alone, not being loved, being rejected or abandoned and fear not being good enough.  Navigating our way through the rough seas of fear can be terrifying.  Yet, it is not about the absence of feeling fear, it is determining that you will be better off if you do what is best, what is right and true, for you.

Sail away Pirate Sister, and go ahead, RAVE about being BRAVE! 

What is a Pirate Sister?

Purposefully 
Initiate
Risks...
Achieving
Treasured 
Essence


What are the qualifications to become a Pirate Sister? First, you have to be female.  Next, you must have a strong, powerful desire to go in search of your unique value. And then, you must be willing to be uncomfortable, face fears and dig deep to find your treasured self, relationships, passion, place and purpose.  To be a Pirate Sister, requires you make a fierce and lasting decision to follow the instinctive tugs on your heart, mind and soul to become more than you have been. 

A Pirate Sister learns how to be brave, very brave.  She is steadfast in her determination to risk turbulent seas of past hurts and to endure storms of conflict and change. Being rigid and inflexible will send her overboard.  Stretching to take ownership of navigating her life, empowers the Pirate Sister against inclement or unforeseen events and outcomes.

Dancing in front of the mirror, holding a hairbrush microphone...Doodling on every notebook in high school...Creating mystical characters for an English essay...Concocting new food combinations for friends to sample...Finishing a course of study...Designing your fantasy wardrobe from scraps of material...Collecting stray animals in your neighborhood...Painting on bedroom walls...Learning a trade...Completing a literary work...

These are some examples of treasures buried, maybe even lost and forgotten, yet waiting to be found when you decide to embark on your journey as a Pirate Sister.  Digging to capture the essence of your creative passions, wishes and talents either neglected or long forgotten in the overgrowth of time, responsibilities and caretaking others.

Hmmm, by reading this you are curious about the journey. Now comes the decision:  Ignore the invitation to set sail? Stand on the dock and contemplate the voyage? Or board the ship and see where the winds of change carry you? 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Throw off the bowlines...and discover YOU!

Twenty years from now, you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines.  Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.                                                      Mark Twain

With each season, I find myself baffled by the passage of time.  I shake my head and say “I can’t believe it is June already!” Many chime in their disbelief, recognizing the rapid ticking of our precious life moments.  Where did the last six months go?  In fact, where did those twenty years go? 

Being a Pisces, I adore water.  From chlorine to sea salt, I can float, body board, dive and splash filling my heart with contented aqua bliss.  As I clicked on quotes to capture this seasonal message, Mark Twain’s philosophical whimsy jumped off the page and sailed right up to me. I admit having to look up the definition of “bowline” and I was quite satisfied with the meaning and how it lent itself to this letter.  A bowline is “a rope used to keep the edge of a sail pulled forward and taut; a knot used for making a loop that will not slip.” (Webster Dictionary) 

A client was caught in knots of stress and limitations. Her stiff, unwavering sails were harshly directed toward “woe is me” as she struggled with unemployment and financial demands.  She compared her circumstance to friends she thought were sailing more smoothly in life. She was stuck on the “deprivation” skiff, and was irritated, fatigued and lamenting the lack of possibilities or progress.  She needed to throw off the bowline! I asked her to imagine sailing from a place of constraining disappointment to exploring her options and from there, dreaming up her desires and discovering how to create experiences. 

Can this summer be the season of loosening the knots of irritation, regret, and distraction? Often, we cling to the familiarity of sailing only in the same fashion as we have always done.  What if you were to “throw off” your knots, leave what is “safe and familiar” and sail toward a different goal or direction?

You see, when we explore rather than lament and dream rather than deteriorate, we relax the emotional strain and begin to discover new ways of experiencing relationships and events.  

Imagine loosening up the predictability of your tension and replacing it with spontaneous creativity, musings and explorations which carry you in a colorful, new direction…now that is not disappointing, that is living!

Explore what you would like to discover more of this summer.  What about more laughter? Golden sunsets?  Family time playing games or taking walks? Home projects with an ice cream sundae as the reward?  More turning the music up and dancing!  When we realize we have bountiful options for our EXPERIENCES, then we are discovering  how rich and plentiful the journey can be.   

 

New Year…Welcome 2013
We spend January 1 walking through our lives, room by room, drawing up a list of work to be done, cracks to be patched. Maybe this year, to balance the list, we ought to walk through the rooms of our lives... not looking for flaws, but for potential. Ellen Goodman
   

There is a stationary store in a local beachside town which is far too “old school” to have a surveillance camera.  Yet, if it did, it would document my annual visit in early December.  That’s right, once a year I visit this shop to make a solitary purchase; my appointment calendar.  I often contemplate going “digital”, yet every year I find myself strolling into the store and admiring the pristine, fresh pages anticipating plans, schedules and events for a new year.  I am pleasantly “old school” when it comes to pencil and paper scheduling and the tactile satisfaction of holding my “real” calendar.      

Now, sitting at my desk, I have placed the “old” and “new” side by side on my desk.   One is clearly worn, even a bit scrappy with a wrinkled cover and weathered pages with hundreds of scribbles, names, notations, earmarked corners and plenty of experiences documented in shorthand to commemorate 365 days of work, play, chores, joys and challenges.  The other is shiny, with a smooth unblemished cover, crisp white pages comprising an eager canvas awaiting the colors, landscapes, characters and story of the next 365 days.  One book holds the tale of life lived, the other holds POTENTIAL.

This opening quotation cleverly captures the dilemma in personal counseling.  So often, the focus on psychotherapy is on those “flawed” life situations; betrayal of trust in a marriage, financial distress, our less than perfect bodies and attitudes and challenges in overcoming the “flaws” of our childhood.   Maybe, as this quote suggests, the focus needs to shift to “potential.” 

As many of you know, I love definitions.  In taking a peek at the definition of the word “potential” here is its extrapolation: Capable of development into actuality.  WOW, what a fantastic New Year’s motto, “I am capable of developing my dream, plan, attitude and ideas into actuality!”  This fresh, blank calendar book is anticipating stunning, spectacular potential to fill each day, each page of your life, with capabilities of making your dreams come true!

In working with clients over the past 20 years, I am in awe of how the human spirit is CAPABLE of dealing with the “flaws” of life.  Hope in the midst of adversity, healing after heartbreak and insight from loss. So many of my clients find the path to contentment and confidence is through identifying their POTENTIAL, the ability to apply courage, determination and inspiration to develop their greatest self.  As you embark on each page of this New Year, consider your capabilities.  Your strengths, your wisdom attained from life experiences and your creative desires.  Make this a year of diminished flaw seeking and monumental potential building! 

 

COMFORT ZONE 101

As this is the third installment of the Monday, Comfort Zone series, we have ventured into creating comfort in our own corner of the world, our homes.  We have explored what makes for comfort in a friendship.  Today, I want to consider the term "comfortable in our own skin."  Can we ever really be at ease, content with our own body, mind and spirit? 

In my office, there is a exquisitely simple quote from an ancient Greek philosopher.  "What progress, you ask, have I made? I have begun to be a friend to myself."  Libraries are stock full of psychological heavyweights, diagnostic inquiries and volumes of treatment approaches for everything from seasonal depression to generalized anxiety.  Yet, being comfortable with the mind, body and essence we each possess is a life long challenge.  When clients land on the therapeutic couch in my office, they are usually NOT sharing the joys of their bodies, minds or emotions. 

I love Adele's music, from "Chasing Pavement" to the new James Bond film's title song, Adele's voice resonates lasting substance and magical melodies which have made her a worldwide favorite.  I love this quote about "comfort in her own skin." 

I like looking nice, but I always put comfort over fashion. I don't find thin girls attractive; be happy and healthy. I've never had a problem with the way I look. I'd rather have lunch with my friends than go to a gym.
Adele

I  love that Adele grabs the heart of her own "comfort" not in what is "in" but rather what creates happiness and health for her!  Being comfortable in your own skin, is knowing more and more about the details of what makes you happy!  I know, seems so elementary, dear Watson.  But hey, if walking at the beach makes you happy, then my guess is WHEN you are walking at the beach, you are feeling a bit more comfortable in your own skin.  If giggling with friends makes you feel alive, loved and special, then WHEN you are doing just that, you are comfortable in your own emotions.

Deciding what makes you happy most definitely will contribute to your contentment.  It is truly a circular process, doing more of what makes you happy, allows you to feel more comfortable in your own life, which enhances your emotional, and physical, health. 



   

COMFORT ZONE 101

I always felt that the great high privilege, relief and comfort of friendship was that one had to explain nothing.  Katherine Mansfield

What is the comfort zone in a friendship?  Is it being able to have gaps of months or years, and when you finally get together, feel as if time stood still?  Is it revealing your anguish in life and relying on their sillence to protect your vulnerability?  Is it expecting the friend to challenge you, honestly confront decisions and apply pressure for you to "shape up?"  Is true comfort in a friendship rather  about being uncomfortable as we clarify our expecations of what makes for a good, or great, friendship? 

The above quote, for example, claims true comfort and value is found in the friendship where explanations are unnecessary. A silent, steadfast gossamer thread of acceptance woven between two  friends.  The art of equally yoked friendships, where both people feel appreciated and understood, takes years to master. 

Often friendships can go sideways, with one feeling more responsible for maintaining the connection than the other. Friendships can become laden with comparing who is depositing the most time, honesty and/or energy into the "buddy" account.  Other friendships get lopsided with uneven disclosure, one friend telling all and the other listening to all.

Years ago, I had an encounter with a friend which I think sheds some light on the comfort versus discomfort scale in friendship. Our lives were going through some changes, and I asked her about how she saw our kids being able to stay connected as they were going to different schools. She quite matter of factly responded with "We have alot of friends and so we probably won't be staying in touch." Of course, from first glace at this, I am sure your reaction was much like mine, "humph, how rude!" Yet, guess what? When considering friendship comfort zones, I realize she may have been alot more comfortable than I was in believing she could be honest about her own limitations as well as not make promises she anticipated not being able to keep.  No explanations, just simple fact and truth. 

Speaking the truth about expectations may result in redefining the kind of friendship you have with someone.  There is always the risk of losing a friend who needs more of your attention than you can give during a particular chapter in your life.  Friendships are fluid, at times overlapping in similar phases of life, and then drifting due to being in very contrasting life circumstances.  Anyway you shake it out, friends are worth the effort, and to reach a point in a friendship needing no explanation, means to have explored expectations, come to a mutual understanding of each others needs, and if both agree, then you can simply "BE" in the comfort zone of that friendship. 

Join in next week, Monday, October 15th, for the third Monday in the Comfort Zone 101 series.