Dr. Juls

COMFORT ZONE 101

I always felt that the great high privilege, relief and comfort of friendship was that one had to explain nothing.  Katherine Mansfield

What is the comfort zone in a friendship?  Is it being able to have gaps of months or years, and when you finally get together, feel as if time stood still?  Is it revealing your anguish in life and relying on their sillence to protect your vulnerability?  Is it expecting the friend to challenge you, honestly confront decisions and apply pressure for you to "shape up?"  Is true comfort in a friendship rather  about being uncomfortable as we clarify our expecations of what makes for a good, or great, friendship? 

The above quote, for example, claims true comfort and value is found in the friendship where explanations are unnecessary. A silent, steadfast gossamer thread of acceptance woven between two  friends.  The art of equally yoked friendships, where both people feel appreciated and understood, takes years to master. 

Often friendships can go sideways, with one feeling more responsible for maintaining the connection than the other. Friendships can become laden with comparing who is depositing the most time, honesty and/or energy into the "buddy" account.  Other friendships get lopsided with uneven disclosure, one friend telling all and the other listening to all.

Years ago, I had an encounter with a friend which I think sheds some light on the comfort versus discomfort scale in friendship. Our lives were going through some changes, and I asked her about how she saw our kids being able to stay connected as they were going to different schools. She quite matter of factly responded with "We have alot of friends and so we probably won't be staying in touch." Of course, from first glace at this, I am sure your reaction was much like mine, "humph, how rude!" Yet, guess what? When considering friendship comfort zones, I realize she may have been alot more comfortable than I was in believing she could be honest about her own limitations as well as not make promises she anticipated not being able to keep.  No explanations, just simple fact and truth. 

Speaking the truth about expectations may result in redefining the kind of friendship you have with someone.  There is always the risk of losing a friend who needs more of your attention than you can give during a particular chapter in your life.  Friendships are fluid, at times overlapping in similar phases of life, and then drifting due to being in very contrasting life circumstances.  Anyway you shake it out, friends are worth the effort, and to reach a point in a friendship needing no explanation, means to have explored expectations, come to a mutual understanding of each others needs, and if both agree, then you can simply "BE" in the comfort zone of that friendship. 

Join in next week, Monday, October 15th, for the third Monday in the Comfort Zone 101 series.