COMFORT ZONE 101

As this is the third installment of the Monday, Comfort Zone series, we have ventured into creating comfort in our own corner of the world, our homes.  We have explored what makes for comfort in a friendship.  Today, I want to consider the term "comfortable in our own skin."  Can we ever really be at ease, content with our own body, mind and spirit? 

In my office, there is a exquisitely simple quote from an ancient Greek philosopher.  "What progress, you ask, have I made? I have begun to be a friend to myself."  Libraries are stock full of psychological heavyweights, diagnostic inquiries and volumes of treatment approaches for everything from seasonal depression to generalized anxiety.  Yet, being comfortable with the mind, body and essence we each possess is a life long challenge.  When clients land on the therapeutic couch in my office, they are usually NOT sharing the joys of their bodies, minds or emotions. 

I love Adele's music, from "Chasing Pavement" to the new James Bond film's title song, Adele's voice resonates lasting substance and magical melodies which have made her a worldwide favorite.  I love this quote about "comfort in her own skin." 

I like looking nice, but I always put comfort over fashion. I don't find thin girls attractive; be happy and healthy. I've never had a problem with the way I look. I'd rather have lunch with my friends than go to a gym.
Adele

I  love that Adele grabs the heart of her own "comfort" not in what is "in" but rather what creates happiness and health for her!  Being comfortable in your own skin, is knowing more and more about the details of what makes you happy!  I know, seems so elementary, dear Watson.  But hey, if walking at the beach makes you happy, then my guess is WHEN you are walking at the beach, you are feeling a bit more comfortable in your own skin.  If giggling with friends makes you feel alive, loved and special, then WHEN you are doing just that, you are comfortable in your own emotions.

Deciding what makes you happy most definitely will contribute to your contentment.  It is truly a circular process, doing more of what makes you happy, allows you to feel more comfortable in your own life, which enhances your emotional, and physical, health. 



   

COMFORT ZONE 101

I always felt that the great high privilege, relief and comfort of friendship was that one had to explain nothing.  Katherine Mansfield

What is the comfort zone in a friendship?  Is it being able to have gaps of months or years, and when you finally get together, feel as if time stood still?  Is it revealing your anguish in life and relying on their sillence to protect your vulnerability?  Is it expecting the friend to challenge you, honestly confront decisions and apply pressure for you to "shape up?"  Is true comfort in a friendship rather  about being uncomfortable as we clarify our expecations of what makes for a good, or great, friendship? 

The above quote, for example, claims true comfort and value is found in the friendship where explanations are unnecessary. A silent, steadfast gossamer thread of acceptance woven between two  friends.  The art of equally yoked friendships, where both people feel appreciated and understood, takes years to master. 

Often friendships can go sideways, with one feeling more responsible for maintaining the connection than the other. Friendships can become laden with comparing who is depositing the most time, honesty and/or energy into the "buddy" account.  Other friendships get lopsided with uneven disclosure, one friend telling all and the other listening to all.

Years ago, I had an encounter with a friend which I think sheds some light on the comfort versus discomfort scale in friendship. Our lives were going through some changes, and I asked her about how she saw our kids being able to stay connected as they were going to different schools. She quite matter of factly responded with "We have alot of friends and so we probably won't be staying in touch." Of course, from first glace at this, I am sure your reaction was much like mine, "humph, how rude!" Yet, guess what? When considering friendship comfort zones, I realize she may have been alot more comfortable than I was in believing she could be honest about her own limitations as well as not make promises she anticipated not being able to keep.  No explanations, just simple fact and truth. 

Speaking the truth about expectations may result in redefining the kind of friendship you have with someone.  There is always the risk of losing a friend who needs more of your attention than you can give during a particular chapter in your life.  Friendships are fluid, at times overlapping in similar phases of life, and then drifting due to being in very contrasting life circumstances.  Anyway you shake it out, friends are worth the effort, and to reach a point in a friendship needing no explanation, means to have explored expectations, come to a mutual understanding of each others needs, and if both agree, then you can simply "BE" in the comfort zone of that friendship. 

Join in next week, Monday, October 15th, for the third Monday in the Comfort Zone 101 series. 

COMFORT ZONE 101

There is nothing like staying at home for real comfort. Jane Austen

 “Home sweet home”, “There’s no place like home” and “Home is where the heart is.”    Bustling about in the world, going to and fro, bouncing between texts, emails, appointments and obligations, what does it feel like to open the door of your home?  Is it a magical sanctuary, a pristine abode of calm and real comfort?  Hmmm, I don’t think so.   

 

 Let’s face it.  There are piles of “have to dos” at home, much like dragons, when we open the door, they shoot their flames at us in the form of laundry, clutter, dishes, cleaning, meal prep, homework checks, shall I go on?  There is a wall of these flames, continually challenging us to extinguish the chores before the next one sparks up!  As women, we assume we must slay every demand before we can reward ourselves with comfort.  Well, here's where change starts.  Can you decide, if only for today, to find comfort in the midst of too much to do?

Build in a "transition" time when you arrive home. This is approximately 10-20 minutes when you change clothes, wash your face, take 5 deep breaths in and release, and share a bit of love - hug the dog, kids, man...whoever is close by. Having this contact will release stress reducing hormones and allow you to feel a sense of ease as you continue to focus on what needs to be done.
 

I have a wicker rocking chair, with plush cushions, situated near a corner window in my bedroom.  Because of its location, no one in the family ever sits in this spot other than me.  At times, I sneak away to this corner, sit, rock, look out the window and take comfort in this secret “favorite” place.  Pick a place in the house, or outside in the yard, and don’t tell a soul it is yours.   Simply by having this secret spot to call your own, you always have it available to access for comfort.  You have quietly made a location a “comfort zone”, and it is now forever yours.  Here are a few more comfort zone contributors: 

Take a bath during the day, when house is quiet, it can be another little sweet secret of yours.
 

Meet your senses with comforts. Find the music that speaks to you and have it easily available to play when you get home. 

Buy yourself a yummy scented candle and have it burning during the day. If you have a favorite painting, poster, artwork, make sure it is positioned on a wall you frequently look at. 

Invest in fuzzy socks, cold feet are not comfortable. Have a bowl of dark chocolate kisses in your bathroom. 

Here's to creating more moments of "real comfort" in your home and within your heart.