New Year…Welcome 2013
We spend January 1 walking through our lives, room by room, drawing up a list of work to be done, cracks to be patched. Maybe this year, to balance the list, we ought to walk through the rooms of our lives... not looking for flaws, but for potential. Ellen Goodman
   

There is a stationary store in a local beachside town which is far too “old school” to have a surveillance camera.  Yet, if it did, it would document my annual visit in early December.  That’s right, once a year I visit this shop to make a solitary purchase; my appointment calendar.  I often contemplate going “digital”, yet every year I find myself strolling into the store and admiring the pristine, fresh pages anticipating plans, schedules and events for a new year.  I am pleasantly “old school” when it comes to pencil and paper scheduling and the tactile satisfaction of holding my “real” calendar.      

Now, sitting at my desk, I have placed the “old” and “new” side by side on my desk.   One is clearly worn, even a bit scrappy with a wrinkled cover and weathered pages with hundreds of scribbles, names, notations, earmarked corners and plenty of experiences documented in shorthand to commemorate 365 days of work, play, chores, joys and challenges.  The other is shiny, with a smooth unblemished cover, crisp white pages comprising an eager canvas awaiting the colors, landscapes, characters and story of the next 365 days.  One book holds the tale of life lived, the other holds POTENTIAL.

This opening quotation cleverly captures the dilemma in personal counseling.  So often, the focus on psychotherapy is on those “flawed” life situations; betrayal of trust in a marriage, financial distress, our less than perfect bodies and attitudes and challenges in overcoming the “flaws” of our childhood.   Maybe, as this quote suggests, the focus needs to shift to “potential.” 

As many of you know, I love definitions.  In taking a peek at the definition of the word “potential” here is its extrapolation: Capable of development into actuality.  WOW, what a fantastic New Year’s motto, “I am capable of developing my dream, plan, attitude and ideas into actuality!”  This fresh, blank calendar book is anticipating stunning, spectacular potential to fill each day, each page of your life, with capabilities of making your dreams come true!

In working with clients over the past 20 years, I am in awe of how the human spirit is CAPABLE of dealing with the “flaws” of life.  Hope in the midst of adversity, healing after heartbreak and insight from loss. So many of my clients find the path to contentment and confidence is through identifying their POTENTIAL, the ability to apply courage, determination and inspiration to develop their greatest self.  As you embark on each page of this New Year, consider your capabilities.  Your strengths, your wisdom attained from life experiences and your creative desires.  Make this a year of diminished flaw seeking and monumental potential building! 

 

COMFORT ZONE 101

As this is the third installment of the Monday, Comfort Zone series, we have ventured into creating comfort in our own corner of the world, our homes.  We have explored what makes for comfort in a friendship.  Today, I want to consider the term "comfortable in our own skin."  Can we ever really be at ease, content with our own body, mind and spirit? 

In my office, there is a exquisitely simple quote from an ancient Greek philosopher.  "What progress, you ask, have I made? I have begun to be a friend to myself."  Libraries are stock full of psychological heavyweights, diagnostic inquiries and volumes of treatment approaches for everything from seasonal depression to generalized anxiety.  Yet, being comfortable with the mind, body and essence we each possess is a life long challenge.  When clients land on the therapeutic couch in my office, they are usually NOT sharing the joys of their bodies, minds or emotions. 

I love Adele's music, from "Chasing Pavement" to the new James Bond film's title song, Adele's voice resonates lasting substance and magical melodies which have made her a worldwide favorite.  I love this quote about "comfort in her own skin." 

I like looking nice, but I always put comfort over fashion. I don't find thin girls attractive; be happy and healthy. I've never had a problem with the way I look. I'd rather have lunch with my friends than go to a gym.
Adele

I  love that Adele grabs the heart of her own "comfort" not in what is "in" but rather what creates happiness and health for her!  Being comfortable in your own skin, is knowing more and more about the details of what makes you happy!  I know, seems so elementary, dear Watson.  But hey, if walking at the beach makes you happy, then my guess is WHEN you are walking at the beach, you are feeling a bit more comfortable in your own skin.  If giggling with friends makes you feel alive, loved and special, then WHEN you are doing just that, you are comfortable in your own emotions.

Deciding what makes you happy most definitely will contribute to your contentment.  It is truly a circular process, doing more of what makes you happy, allows you to feel more comfortable in your own life, which enhances your emotional, and physical, health. 



   

COMFORT ZONE 101

I always felt that the great high privilege, relief and comfort of friendship was that one had to explain nothing.  Katherine Mansfield

What is the comfort zone in a friendship?  Is it being able to have gaps of months or years, and when you finally get together, feel as if time stood still?  Is it revealing your anguish in life and relying on their sillence to protect your vulnerability?  Is it expecting the friend to challenge you, honestly confront decisions and apply pressure for you to "shape up?"  Is true comfort in a friendship rather  about being uncomfortable as we clarify our expecations of what makes for a good, or great, friendship? 

The above quote, for example, claims true comfort and value is found in the friendship where explanations are unnecessary. A silent, steadfast gossamer thread of acceptance woven between two  friends.  The art of equally yoked friendships, where both people feel appreciated and understood, takes years to master. 

Often friendships can go sideways, with one feeling more responsible for maintaining the connection than the other. Friendships can become laden with comparing who is depositing the most time, honesty and/or energy into the "buddy" account.  Other friendships get lopsided with uneven disclosure, one friend telling all and the other listening to all.

Years ago, I had an encounter with a friend which I think sheds some light on the comfort versus discomfort scale in friendship. Our lives were going through some changes, and I asked her about how she saw our kids being able to stay connected as they were going to different schools. She quite matter of factly responded with "We have alot of friends and so we probably won't be staying in touch." Of course, from first glace at this, I am sure your reaction was much like mine, "humph, how rude!" Yet, guess what? When considering friendship comfort zones, I realize she may have been alot more comfortable than I was in believing she could be honest about her own limitations as well as not make promises she anticipated not being able to keep.  No explanations, just simple fact and truth. 

Speaking the truth about expectations may result in redefining the kind of friendship you have with someone.  There is always the risk of losing a friend who needs more of your attention than you can give during a particular chapter in your life.  Friendships are fluid, at times overlapping in similar phases of life, and then drifting due to being in very contrasting life circumstances.  Anyway you shake it out, friends are worth the effort, and to reach a point in a friendship needing no explanation, means to have explored expectations, come to a mutual understanding of each others needs, and if both agree, then you can simply "BE" in the comfort zone of that friendship. 

Join in next week, Monday, October 15th, for the third Monday in the Comfort Zone 101 series. 

COMFORT ZONE 101

There is nothing like staying at home for real comfort. Jane Austen

 “Home sweet home”, “There’s no place like home” and “Home is where the heart is.”    Bustling about in the world, going to and fro, bouncing between texts, emails, appointments and obligations, what does it feel like to open the door of your home?  Is it a magical sanctuary, a pristine abode of calm and real comfort?  Hmmm, I don’t think so.   

 

 Let’s face it.  There are piles of “have to dos” at home, much like dragons, when we open the door, they shoot their flames at us in the form of laundry, clutter, dishes, cleaning, meal prep, homework checks, shall I go on?  There is a wall of these flames, continually challenging us to extinguish the chores before the next one sparks up!  As women, we assume we must slay every demand before we can reward ourselves with comfort.  Well, here's where change starts.  Can you decide, if only for today, to find comfort in the midst of too much to do?

Build in a "transition" time when you arrive home. This is approximately 10-20 minutes when you change clothes, wash your face, take 5 deep breaths in and release, and share a bit of love - hug the dog, kids, man...whoever is close by. Having this contact will release stress reducing hormones and allow you to feel a sense of ease as you continue to focus on what needs to be done.
 

I have a wicker rocking chair, with plush cushions, situated near a corner window in my bedroom.  Because of its location, no one in the family ever sits in this spot other than me.  At times, I sneak away to this corner, sit, rock, look out the window and take comfort in this secret “favorite” place.  Pick a place in the house, or outside in the yard, and don’t tell a soul it is yours.   Simply by having this secret spot to call your own, you always have it available to access for comfort.  You have quietly made a location a “comfort zone”, and it is now forever yours.  Here are a few more comfort zone contributors: 

Take a bath during the day, when house is quiet, it can be another little sweet secret of yours.
 

Meet your senses with comforts. Find the music that speaks to you and have it easily available to play when you get home. 

Buy yourself a yummy scented candle and have it burning during the day. If you have a favorite painting, poster, artwork, make sure it is positioned on a wall you frequently look at. 

Invest in fuzzy socks, cold feet are not comfortable. Have a bowl of dark chocolate kisses in your bathroom. 

Here's to creating more moments of "real comfort" in your home and within your heart.  

COMFORT ZONE 101

Self Bling Blog Series

Every Monday in October! 

Yes, there is an unmistakable "hint of autumn" in the air.  The school year is back in full swing, and of course future holiday items are being stocked and beckon us to Halloween, Thanksgiving and beyond!  Summer has officially faded away, the boogie board is stored a bit deeper in the garage pile as we pull out boxes of decorations. 

While in Trader Joe's the other day (one of my favorite stops for "a few things" morphs into a supply shed of "must haves") there was a flurry of "yums" coming from the food sample booth at the back corner of the store.  When I approached, the yum hum was associated with a creamy pasta dish.  "This is such perfect comfort food" said the sales gal.  With that, I started to percolate the concept of comfort.  When do we seek comfort?  What really comforts us?  What is it about comfort food? And are comfort zones healthy or keeping us stuck?   

The idea of "comfort" really poses a strange duality...an emotinal tug-o-war.  On the one hand, comfort is what we seek when we are heartbroken, scared, lonely and distressed.  We rely on close loved ones and trusted friends to hear our pain, wipe our tears and help us carry a burden.  On the other hand, the majority of personal change is focused on being less heartbroken, scared, lonely and distressed by leaving OUR COMFORT ZONE!  Wow, now THAT is confusing!  Is comfort good or not so good?  If we crave too much comfort, are we opposed to risk?  If we get too comfortable, do we lose the edge on being all we can be?  And what about others?  Who do we seek comfort from?  And most importantly, how DO we create an internal comfort zone? 

Watch for the first of five "Comfort Zone 101" entries, coming Monday, October 1st.

 

“There shall be eternal summer in the grateful heart.”

                                      Celia Thaxter

During the past week as I wake up,  I remember it is summer and I can’t help but start to grin.  No longer jumping out of bed racing to make lunches, spin loads of laundry and yell from the garage “We’re going to be late for school!”   It is the “Gone with the Wind” time of year accompanied by the deliberate and quite welcomed privilege of simply saying “I’ll think about it tomorrow.” 

Summer means dusting off the outdoor cushions and planting brightly colored flowers that, if lucky, will survive through Labor Day.   Summer is deciding to head to a Padres game, just to be able to eat a guilt-free hotdog, because it is what you “must do” to keep face as a true baseball fan!  Summer is a lovely balance of “let’s stay up late” with “let’s just relax.”  Yes, I find summer brings a very grateful heart indeed.  

My old friend Webster’s Dictionary describes “grateful” as “pleasing by reason of comfort supplied or discomfort alleviated.”  Consider the implication of this; being grateful is directly related to receiving comfort as well as decreasing discomfort, or distress.   Grateful = Comfort       

Often during the therapy session, we explore the necessity of “soothing” oneself, tapping into an internal dialogue to offer comfort to emotional hurts.  When exploring this concept a client said “Oh, I have to have my own comfort zone.”  Yes, exactly!   When faced with disappointment, frustration, grief, betrayal, fatigue or stress, accessing internal tools to calm and ease our distress is a fundamental ingredient in healing.  Bringing comfort into your heart has a wonderful secondary gain…gratitude.  One leads to the other, and it is a beautiful circular process of gaining calm and healing.